Merry Gloomy Christmas

I have been utterly occupied over a month now. I will not bore you with details of my tiresome tasks. I only mentioned it because someones here were bending to hilarious but incorrect assumptions about me being dead once again. As if that could be possible.

You want to hear about my Christmas? It was dark and gloomy and so it totally met my expectations. I received one gift though, as an exception to the rule. And it was quite succesful gift too (another exception to the rule). A nice bottle of good red wine and a movie with lots of blood and revenging for sake of long lost love. That should be fun enough.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.

Something between me and Lily Evans

Oh my J.K. Rowling (we were never allowed to say that in the books, though I always considered it to be a much better wizardish substitution to "Oh my God!" than "Holy Merlin!" and it's all more or less pitiful variations), who did I find in my comments box if not Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived... to be a constant pain in my certain body part. You actually had the nerve to come here and claim your right to know the truth about me and your late mother. Such an impudent, inconsiderate boy, in other words Gryffindor, you are. *sigh*

But you have managed to polish your expression, and your manners too seem to be perfected a little since your childhood days. And what comes to your sons name (Albus Severus Potter) it has a certain clang to it. How did they say it sounded... oh yes, like a slash threesome, indeed. Anyway, the gesture is appreciated, not merely ridiculed.

As I'm not sure how familiar you are with your mothers past, and therefore mine too, I have to start from the beginning. But don't even think I'm going to give you any details! You asked what there was between me and Lily Evans, so here it comes.

We happened to live quite near each others as a child. We met accidentally, found we had certain things in common and we enjoyed our time spent together. Naturally we grew up to be very good friends. We were more than happy to realise we could both attend the School of Hogwarts, but little did we know what importance our ill-fated sorting to different houses had to our destinies ahead. We still managed to maintain our precious friendship while at school, though it came harder year by year. Not least because of your father and his associates. Everybody loved Lily. She was amazing, in every aspect. We had many severities on our way, but we could surpass all of them. Until one day... something very unfortunate happened, and we could no longer carry on as we had used to. So, James Potter managed to soften her heart, I gave my allegiance elsewhere while searching constancy and reverence from another direction and the rest is history know to all.

You know I loved her. I loved her more than anything. And when I misconceively thought I had lost her, I thought I had lost everything. Nothing mattered anymore. I was such a fool... such an insecure and overly emotional fool. So, I deserved every second of my miserable and lonely life, cause I knew it was all my fault. But... no need to dwell in that anymore.

So, from past to present. As I managed to deceive death and freed myself from its mortal grip, I accidentally learnt more about alternative universes. I learnt that there are myriads of alternative life paths, both in the past and in the future, that are just waiting to be explored by an investigator aptitude enough. Ever since I have been privileged enough to be in contact with my alternative younger self and Lily, as I once knew her. She's not your mother though, as she has chosen a different lifepath, that is remarkable divergent from the one known to so many. I know this is not an easy thing to understand, but you may as well keep her as an old man's delusion. Because that's what she is to you.

The Pensieve

Some other memories

And some more

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.


Oh, what a weekend I had. Not the kind I actually hoped for, but at least I'm still alive. That's good. I suppose. It was like some grander than life Bat Bogey Hex had hit me straight from nowhere. Brought me some not-so-happy memories from my youth... but in those times it tended to come from the wand of Sirius Black.

I'm pleased to see there has been so many visitors during my absence. But I'm not very happy about the way some of you turn against each others. I'm not going to comment that here any further, I just have to rely on your maturity and decency. Exept when it comes to Weasley's... I can't admit I was a great admirer of your pranks while at school, and I guess there just are some things that never change.

Harry Potter... I honestly did never expect to see you here. I will go into your question later, when I have totally recovered (my head is still aching), since it's a matter of a very delicate issue.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.

In bed with fever

Yes, you read it right, in bed with fever, not feverish in bed. Though I'd like that more, I can tell. It might be better to stop right here, since my present state of well-being, which is not very well at the moment, seems to lower my indigenously high morals and lead my train of thought to a very dubious realms. Oh my.

So, the little Halloween journey to my dear old granny wasn't as harmless as I thought it would be. Yes, it saved me from those creepy vamps (and I'm not referring to vampires with that) that assault me every now and then in the most undesirable ways, but instead I got to suffer from damp bedsheets, merciless chill and that gruesome Scottish weather. I may have deceived those fan-girls, but couldn't swindel the good old autumn gale.

Damn it. I'm not going to bore you with the details of my morbid condition. I'll just say that this darn brightness makes me want to dig my aching eyes of my head. I tried to brew something to ease this pain that keeps hammering my forehead, but I guess nothing, exept time, really cures the infernal common cold. I can almost see that demon of influenza wagging me the banner that says "REST, you stupid idiot!"

I know I have been working too much. And that's the commendation I get for all that labour.

As always.

Have a nice weekend. I have a plan how to spend mine: 1) Stay alive. 2) Get well.

I hope that's not too much to ask.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.

Happy Gloomy All Hallows Eve

I'm leaving to countryside for a few days. I hate festivities, and I think it's more entertaining to sit in front of fire, reading a good book and enjoying my port wine, than stay at home trying not to curse those poorly dressed vampires, zombies, wizards (!) and fairies from hell. No, I don't wan't any trick or treat. And no, you'll get no candy, nor detention.

I have to tell you, even though it makes me feel ashamed, which is kind of weird, since I've done nothing wrong here. Not in a long time, that is. Yes... I can almost handle those horror creatures popping on my door with their greedy eyes and vast bags. They are not the worst part of this Halloween time. It's those horrid, blood stopping cutie girls, all dressed up like naughty school girls in their skirt too short and eyelashes too voluminous. And ponytails on both sides of their heads. Always ponytails.

They come to my door, lashing untiringly their eyelashes so that I almost catch cold because of the draught they make. They smile unscrupulously allouring way (not affecting me in any way, I can tell) and use that funny little childish nasal voice while talking to me. And what do they want? I have to admit, that quite a long time it was a total mystery to me. But now I know.

Do they want candy? Hell no, they want detention. DETENTION, with ME. For Merlins pants, that makes me sick.

So, I'm going to meet my grandmother, like every year for a quite many years now.

I wish you all the gloomiest and darkest, horrid and scary All Hallows Eve. May there be lots of killer bunnies on your way, but I couldn't dare to hope any seductive wannabe Anime School Girls appearing to you door. Not even to you, Potter, though you might like them. Who knows.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.

A Poem long forgotten

As long as I am here, locked up in my own misery, I might do as well as to try to humour you with a poem I made years ago.

Your Words

If I'd allow them enter,
unlikely as it is,
would them be able
to wipe away
these ever changing shades
of agony and dreariness?

If I'd ever let them in,
through my gloomy entrance,
would I be not
too curious to see them
turn ashes from my touch.

And if I'd ever let you hear
even the hint of my dark reveal,
wouldn't it be gross,
not only unworthy of your time,
but an offence against your ears.

If I'd ever let your near,
you'd probably pour soft words on me
quietly as the sun speaks
amid the shady basswoods
to deeply depressed seeds,
blinded by the dark soil's ceaseless retreat.

There was some speculations about me having any literary giftedness. Well, now it's proven. No, not any at all.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.

Making fun at my expence...

I have got some hints that lead me to some unbelievable sites full of comic strips of me. Me!?

I never, not even in my wildest dreams (and believe me, they were wild!) did think that someone could draw a cartoon about me. I'm not a funny person, not funny at all. Only fun that's been possible to connect the name Snape has always been the "fun" that others have had at my expense. Like dangling me upside down in the air and take of my ruddy gray underpants.

So you can imagine my astonishment when I noticed that those cartoons were actually quite funny. I even smiled. Once.

See for yourself: (You wouldn't believe me if I told you that this is not very far from the things I met as a Potions Master...) (Hmmm... Mary-Sue... I've read about her, or them. Reminds me of Hermione, never liked her. Notice that there is several pages of this comic.) (And here we go again... Me with my pants of and everybody else happy as a goblin with a wand. Haha... not funny.)
(Okay, this is defenitely the best piece of comic I have ever seen. This is so true, so absolutely true, that remembering this all makes me want to kill him again. Aargh!)

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.

Beside the lake of Hogwarts

As I told you earlier, I've been very busy with my life. With my new life, I might say. I promised you to give you a peak to what I've been up to lately...

So, that's what happened one day in year 1978, and with my new magnificent abilities (which are maybe due to my trip behind the veil and back again) to travel time and re-experience and transmute my previous experiences to another ones. (But only slightly so.) So here it comes...

Beside the lake of Hogwarts

Lily's musings:
Severus wants to teach me what a "Relationship" means. It pretty much surprised me. He and relationship?!! O my!! But as usual I trusted him like I did with my potion lessons. *laughs*

*walks next to Lily peeking around his shoulder*

What?! *caught him peeking over and smiles*

Nothing... It's beautiful around here, isn't it? *pretends to be admiring the view, though is in fact checking they are not been followed*

*her girl instinct says he is lying but oh well.. she smiles* Yeah indeed. *She has always loved this part of the school, it's so green. It was a sunny day. The weather was nicely warm. Lily sighed in contentment*

So, you wanted to know what I know about relationships...

*shrugs* Yes as you said you'd teach me. *chuckles*

*fights against panicking* Well yes... I didn't actually mean I'd teach you... I mean, I couldn't... *starts to stammer slightly* I mean I shouldn't... *collects himself and tries to act more self-assured way* I thought you wanted to know what I could teach about relationships... And I know what everybody thinks, that I know nothing about them, but I do.

*laughs in amusement* Easy there! Do you remember in our childhood in Spinners End, we used to walk and play around a lake? I remember making a pony tail with your hair. *burst out laughing.*

Yes... *is still deep in thought*
But you asked, so... I'll tell you... I know a lot about bad relationships, about things no-one should ever have to see, hear or experience... I also know, that one should be loyal, respecting and... *his voice starts to fade as he feels he has talked too much*

*she was gulping down his words, so mature, more than anyone she knows of her age. Suddenly he paused* And? *gulps*

*almost whispering now* ...and tender... *reaches to touch slightly Lily's hand with his fingertips* ...and loving...

*Bits her lip lightly and then releases. Feels her body shaking with his whispers and finally at the union of their hands. She rests her eyes on his deep dark wells in between the silky curtains of hair. Let their eyes be united for the first time..."

*gasps in disbelief and interwines his slender fingers tighter amongst hers*

*A pair of emerald green eyes scanned the face in front of her. She brushes a strand of red hair from her face. The faintest breeze seemed to pass through her, and it whispered something to her, like a voice in a dream. She is going naive as his fingers tightens around hers*

*feeling he is totally drowning in the depths of those beautiful, magically green eyes he leans a little bit toward her, loweres his face and, still keeping their eyecontact, he brushes a gentle and slightly unsure kiss on her rosy lips*

*every bit of her.. started shaking with an unexpected union of their souls. Taking the bliss she closed her eyes before lightly touching his chin. She returns the kiss.*

*deepening the kiss he draws her warm and soft feminine body closer to him, he smells the delicate scent of her hair and skin and it affects him intoxicating way*

*Surrendering completely to the bliss, she brings her hand softly to the back of his head, and kisses him deeply. She's never felt so numb, and yet so alive in her entire life.*

*feeling his arousal heighten and afraid it would soon be known by her too, he starts reluctantly pull of from her arms*

Uhm... sorry Lily, I... I hope you won't be mad at me... I... did I... did you...

*struggling a horrible inner battle between his need to be close to her, to hold her, to kiss her more deeply and more passionately he had ever even dreamed of, and his need to behave honourable with the young woman he respected, admired and... wanted more than anything*

*She slightly felt taken aback as he pulled off the kiss and then started to wonder why he was begging pardon. Was it the reason because he actually didn't want to kiss or was it because he thinks its not right?! She scanned his face once again but this time for her answer. She looks slightly hurt and with a feeble voice she asks* Why would I be mad at you? *frowns* I'm sorry if I did something wrong *slowly lowers down her eyes at the ground, having the decency to look ashamed*

No, *her words starting to sunken in* NO! You didn't do anything wrong, not at all... it's just... I thought that maybe I was too insolent, to assault you like that... You have every right to be mad at me... I just couldn't... *notices the look on her face and thinks it's because she is sorry and maybe even disgusted with what had happened*

*she looked up at him* You didn't assault me nor was it insolent. *Continues gazing at him so he could read her. Being an occulment he has some privileges, so lets be it; she wants him to read her mind.*

*wild in amazement he sunkens once again in her eyes that she so willingly offers for him to read - flashes of their previous encounter start surfacing in her mind, mind so open and trusting...* Oh Lily... You... you actually liked it? *his voice almost trembling because of a surge of an unrecognized emotion stirring inside his soul*

*She marveled at his reaction! Little tinge of blush creeps onto her cheeks as she smiles in reply. It feels as though thousands of butterflies flying around in stomach, it was such a beautiful sensation . Even the sun seems to be shining in different color* It was perfect *she replies in a low audible voice with a smile etched on her face.*

*wide, happy smile starts slowly lighten up his face* It was? *he whispers more to himself, to his own assurance, than to her ears* You are perfect, Lily. *he says beaming like a just polished golden Galleon*

*blushes even more but for just a fraction of a second. She gains her composure quickly* I knew you could be marvelous as a legilimense. I am happy that you are more skilled than anyone of our age...*whispers* that makes you completely noticeable.

Shhh... *he presses his index finger gently on her lips, because her words made him feel joyful but embarrassed, he's not used to being praised and doesn't know how to relate to it... her lips feel so very soft and sweet under his touch that he wants to kiss her again, "she did like it earlier, didn't she", he ponders*

*Smiles a little as he stops her with the gentle touch of his slender fingertips.
She could see in his eyes that he rather enjoyed it when she praised him and moreover touching her lips. The thought made her blush even more than before. Suddenly feeling a rush of affection, she gently brushes a tiny little kiss onto his finger. She didn't know why, but she just had to do it.*

*that tiny kiss seems to roll everything upside down inside him... he feels as if a fiery dragon was spinning in his lower abdomen... he looks at her slightly blushed cheeks and starts to feel very light and heavy at the same time... he puts his other hand gently to a back of her head and takes a surprisingly firm grip to her chin, then he pulls her face closer to his and dives into the deep and passionate kiss*

*Suddenly her mind stops taking constant note of the situation. Suddenly nothing did matter. He came and placed a firm yet gentle kiss onto her lips. The divine bliss seems to have paused the moment. She kisses him deeply and more passionately. The first kiss in her life! "Does a 'relationship' mean such a beautiful union of two souls?" She didn't bother to think. Suddenly all her concerns seemed to have stopped by the amorous kiss. The moment seemed like eternity.*

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.

Second Chance

After I entered this crazy virtual reality called internet, I have become quite busy. My life has started to change... Suddenly I have been able to meet people from my past (I don't quite dare to call them friends). I have noticed, that time is nothing, but a relative concept. Our life is a collection of a multiple choices, and each one of them opens a new path for of us to follow. I'm not sure how has this happened, but I managed to get in touch with someone very dear to me. It has had a remarkable, miracle like effect to my state of mind and wellbeing. It's very complicated, and it certainly is hard to explain in detail, so maybe I could just tell what happened...

I met Lily yesterday. I really did. Somehow I managed to go back in time, and we re-experienced one beautiful afternoon byt the lake of Hogwarts. I need her permission to tell you what really happened, so untill then... Bye.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.


I've noticed some problems here keeping this diary. I mean... I'm a very private person, I like to keep things to myself and so, but there's also a part of me that would love to share... I need to process my life and my emotions, but talking to someone is totally oxymoron. So what to do? I started this Personal and Private, Secret Diary. I can write my deepest thoughts to it, and it keeps up an illusion I have some kind of social interaction by answering to me time to times. So, I kind of share, but still get to maintain my privacy. Perfect?


I've started to become little suspicious. The way it answeres to me, or asks me questions is... I don't know, little alarming. I know I have a tendency to be slightly paranoid, but still... I would have preferred using pensieve, but unfortunately I didn't inherit it after Albus died. So this has to do. Maybe I have to learn to be more trusting. Every part of me yells "No!" to that thought, but I've heard it so many times from the persons I respect, so it has to have a grain of truth. Perhaps I have to contemplate it a little.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.


I've been two days a way... a business trip.... kind of. I just came home, ate a bag of liquorice and now I'm feeling sick. I'll be back tomorrow with some more words. After a good, long sleep.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.

Wicked, wicked internet...

I'm beginning to understand this thing called internet. It is a wicked, dark magic thing, that's been invented to shrivel the mind and the body of it's users. First of all my eyes are pricling, my head is aching and my back hurts so much I can hardly breath. Maybe I should have sleeped a little last night, but I could not, because the magic (dark, totally dark!) of this thing had engulfed me. I found so much writings, pictures, articles, forums and so on about themes I just had to study. And here I am, not any wiser or happier, only exhausted by too voluminous amount of information I will never need.

(Those WIKTT-archives were quite intriguing though, not to mention Ashwinder at Sycophant Hex...)

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.


I acquired a profile to Facebook. Not sure if I have gone out of my mind, but I had to try it. I might be crazy or just foolishly curious, or maybe, but just maybe I'm slightly lonely...

Didn't receive any comments today. That's good. They had all been full of mockery and scorn anyway. So I spent few hours accomplishing some silly applications in Facebook:

"Which Harry Potter Character Are You?"

Result: You are Severus Snape (Really, I would have preferred Dobby the House Elf...)

"Which Hogwarts House Do You Belong to?"

Result: Slythering (Oh my, why not Hufflepuff?)

If you happen to wander in that wide virtual sandbox, add me to you list of friends so I can throw you some "Harry Potter Gifts" with my new "Harry Potter Gifts" -application. (How can you underscore sarcasm in your writings without those horrid smileys?)

I'm starting to wonder if it would have been better to stay dead after all.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.


This tiredness is wearing me out. Is it because of autumn, because of circumstances or merely because of... me? I don't know. There has been considerably vast amount of adversities in my life. I have used to live a life that's merely an obligation, not a delight, but still...

Someone with a ludicrous nickname asked me yesterday if I have considered shaving my head. I do shave my face, but that razor shall not even slightly touch my hair, ever. And no, the same does not go with shampoo. (Pleeease, don't you know I have heard all those greasy hair-jokes and their every tedious variations thousands of times. Not laughing.)

You may still read my polite answer to that jocular person from the comments below the first notes.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.


Yes, it's been a very long and annoying day. I'm tired and my back hurts. Too much paperwork and too little time and nothing goes as planned. Of course it's always due to someones stupidity. Not mine.

Besides this internet-thing is far too large to be digested in one day. It's so funny what the muggles invent in order to compensate their lack of magic. So much wasted time, efforts and energy... not to mention the money. I'm glad I'm a wizard. It's a portkey to pleasant life. Or at least convenient, if not so pleasant.

I got one comment here today. It amused me. Someone called "Nimuel" asked what happened to me, and I answered... well... read for yourselves. Just click with your wand that "comments"- link right here below yesterdays writings, and there it is. Thank you.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.

Gloomy Sunday

Still about seven hours left of this day. They can't possibly go too slowly. The worst thing in Sunday is the fact that it always ends. I have hated that as long as I can remember. It means that Monday's coming kicking and screaming, like those idiots I had to teach.

As if that had been possible...

I don't have to teach anymore, thank Merlin, or Dark Lord or Nagini or what ever...

But that's another story.

Severus Snape is property of J.K Rowlings, the author of Harry Potter -books the writings are mine though.